How To Unlock Your True Personality & Connect With Others Easily

It was the beautiful sunny summer of 2010. He proposed.

I happily said, “Yes.”

Yet…

We both knew deep down that some things weren’t working. Not big things, from little things, I was getting sad and he was getting angry. It constantly shook the perfect world we were building.

We knew we had to fix this before getting married, before having kids, and before moving on… Our long conversations were not helping as it seemed like we were talking different languages, which ended up leaving us with a sour hopeless feeling of ‘you don’t truly get me’.

As we found out later that autumn, we were actually talking different personality languages. And I don’t mean Gary Chapman’s ‘5 Love Languages’.

Top Leader's tool can Save our Relationship?

It’s about a modern and popular global management and leadership tool with more than 40 years of scientific validation called Process Communication Model®, developed by Dr. Taibi Kahler. 

Applied to business management, interpersonal communications, sales, leadership, education.

PCM was used at NASA to vet astronaut candidates for the shuttle program, where team dynamics are at their most critical.

Bill Clinton, 42nd USA’s president used it to tailor his political speeches.

So, we thought it can help our relationship too.

Katherine Sarafian
“My PCM experience was hugely useful in helping me manage the film making journey over six years. It’s been such a valuable tool!”

Dr. Terry McGuir
“PCM, both within NASA and within daily activities, has become for me like McGyver’s Swiss army knife, always with me and endlessly useful.”

Vaughan Blackman
“Better understanding of self (own behavior & others) Increased ability to manage relationships outside of work. Ability to resolve conflicts with more skill and aptitude.”

Bill Clinton
Taibi Kahler is a genius. He knows more about personality dynamics than anyone I know in the world.

Who are You? Know yourself

Now, what I am sharing is a personal story, a story of transformation at the deepest personality level. Your story can be totally different, but you can recognize yourself in the dinamic and principles of the personality structure. 

I hope you will get that shift, that clarity I got.  When most people don’t understand, are confused and stuck with the question “Why did I, why did he say/do… that?”, you would know! And knowing is power!

You aget that incredible feeling of understanding yourself in a rich and powerful way. You can see your potential and also learn how to practically improve your personal and professional relationships. Is about practical ways to create effective communication, not hoping for ways to do this.

Let’s start.

Dr. Taibi Kahler, who developed the model, identified 6 personality types that each person has within themselves. Is not about categorizing people or putting people into boxes. It is looking at these 6 personality types as a six-floor building where you can visit these floors anytime you want to. From BASE to top. 🔝

Here is my ‘six-floor building’ personality structure from back 2010. So I visit the other personality floors from my BASE Harmoniser up to the others. 

Further on, I will show why and how my personality structure evolved in the years to come.

How do these personality floors arrange and develop?

According to the latest research and conclusions, it says that we are born with the BASE floor that remains our main engine of exploration throughout life. 

In my case, I started as a baby Harmoniser. The other 5 personality types are Persister, Rebel, Thinker (the old version was called Workaholic), Imaginer (the old version was called Dreamer), and Promoter. Hope this is not confusing. 

Again, the up to date 6 personality types within our personality structure are: Harmoniser, Persister, Rebel, Thinker, Imaginer, Promoter.

As we have the BASE from the beginning, then arrange the rest of the personality floors, personality types, in the first 5-7 years of life, based on our environment and the way we respond to experiences.

In time, our profiles can undergo changes, which I will explain to you in more detail by sharing here with you my experience.

If as you are reading you get to a point where something is unclear, you have a question, stop, write it down and send it to me to clarify them for you. At the end, you get my email. 

Characteristics of each personality type *

Now let’s explore some characteristics for each of the 6 different personality types within our personality structure.

I am pretty sure you will recognize your BASE personality type as is the one we feel more comfortable with. I describe them as I have them structured in my personality profile. Order is not relevant. 

As a note before starting, none of the personality types are better than others. They are different and that is great. We have all personality types within ourselves, in our personality structure.

These characteristics types are extracted from the book:
*“Parlez-vous Personality?” by Gérard Collignon, John Parr, Pascal Legrand, master trainers in Process Communication Model.

Harmoniser

The question a Harmoniser is unconsciously asking is, “Am I loved?” Therefore their behavior is triggered by a need to be loved.

Harmonisers:

  • perceive and understand the environment through the filter of their own emotions. They tend to describe people and events in emotional terms: “ I feel…”
  • prefer communication based on personal attention… “So good to be with you…”
  • seek to have good relations with those around them. It is a natural behavior and an absolute priority.
  • are intuitive and it is difficult for them to rationally explain the origin of these intuitions: “I can’t explain… that’s how I feel!“
  • usually, know how to listen and try to please the other person. They are affectionate and sensitive.
  • need good interpersonal and close relationships, even at work.

This information was a great relief to me. For my entire life, I used to dislike being sensitive and ‘feeling too much’. I thought I came across as weak. 

But the Harmoniser traits were the essence of who I am: my ability to empathize; my intuition; my deep appreciation for little things; my vivid inner life; my deep awareness of others’ pain; essentially who I am.

Persister

The question a Persister is unconsciously asking is, “Am I trustworthy?“

Persisters:

  • perceive the world through the filter of opinions and their own system of values: “Is it good, is it bad? Is it right, is it wrong? ”
  • prefer communication-based on an exchange of views. Use expressions like: “I believe …”, “My opinion is that…“
  • need to be recognized for their opinion and dedication. Rejoice when are asked their opinion. 
  • dedicate to projects that support their value system. 
  • are attracted to power, so they can implement their ideas, what they stand up for or against.

When I did the PCM course, we had to address the other participants using expressions specific to their BASE. I addressed to a Persister BASE with, “I feel that my opinion is that…” I simply had to feel the opinion. :))))

Rebel

The question a Rebel is unconsciously asking is, “Am I accepted as I am?“

Rebels:

  • perceive the world through a reaction filter: “I like it, I don’t like it“
  • are creative and spontaneous. Like to play, even when they work. 🥳
  • motivation is given by the quality of relationships with others, which can be pleasant or boring.
  • need a variety of contacts, playful interactions, and stimulating environments in which they can express their creativity.
  • have the ability to say out loud what others think, but they do not have the courage to say it.
  • are original, look for authenticity, and are not impressed by hierarchical ranks.

Thinker

The question a Thinker is unconsciously asking is, “Am I competent?“

Thinkers:

  • perceive the world through logical thinking. Before making a decision, they gather as much information as possible, and then sort and analyze it.
  • prefer information-based communication: “I think… according to the analysis…“
  • are logical, responsible, and organized.
  • are involved in achieving their goals; that is the key to their motivation.
  • good analytical thinking, they calculate all the options before acting.
  • appreciate being recognized for their ability to provide structure and solutions.
  • get in distress by change of plans and unexpected events.

For Thinkers, arriving on time is proof of impeccable competence and planning, while for Persisters arriving on time means that they respect their commitment and keep their word.

Imaginer

The question an Imaginer is unconsciously asking is, “Am I welcome?”

Imaginators:

  • have a highly developed imagination and perceive the world through the filter of their own imagination.
  • have good reflective and introspective skills. Calm, quiet, and show patience.
  • are contemplative by nature and need external stimuli to act.
  • need clear and explicit guidance. They like to have time to reflect before acting.
  • regularly need to be alone to find inspiration and recharge their batteries.
  • have the ability to think “outside the box”, they can see the big picture.
  • need to be given directives because they imagine the action, but it remains in their imagination.
  • prefer to work alone, because that way they can concentrate better.

Promoter

The question a Promoter is unconsciously asking is, “Am I alive?” This explains their need for taking risks and challenges, as well as igniting their adrenaline to feel alive.

Promoters:

  • perceive the world through the filter of action. They learn by doing and they need advocacy. Lots of action in a short time.
  • take challenges with immediate results. If you set a goal for them, they will take action immediately.
  • act on intuition and adapt to results.
  • have an extraordinary ability to adapt. They are charismatic.
  • don’t like meetings based on the exchange of ideas and information.
  • don’t seem to be afraid of anything.

Have you recongnized your BASE personality type? 

If not, don’t worry. Read on. Pretty sure something will click. Let me know anyway.

The flexibility of a personality structure

We access the Rebel when we goof around with our kids. We access the Harmoniser when we listen, empathize with our clients, friends, partner or kids. We access the Thinker as we schedule the next day, or plan our marketing. We express our Persister ideas when we continue work through difficulties because we believe in the impact we create. We access the Imaginer when we take time to reflect on what we want in our life or business, reflecting from a high view perspective. Lastly, we turn into Promotor when we get things done, take that risk and trust we are going to figure it out!

If someone asks me, “What time is it?” I have to take the elevator to the Thinker and give them the exact information. “It’s 10 past 6.”
Which according to my personality structure I have to take the elevator to my Thinker floor. Feels much more easier to answer from my BASE, the Harmoniser by saying “I feel it is dinner time.“

Each personality type from our personality structure has a certain level of development – according to the level we practiced them, experiences we had. 

Here is a representation of my profile from 2010. 

Personality and Experiences

Immediately after graduating, I worked in accounting for a year, and truthfully, it devastated me. With a Harmoniser BASE, spending all day with only documents, numbers, and calculations was exhausting. Now I know that it was a constant effort of getting to the 4th Thinker floor of my personality structure.

More than that, my BASE Harmoniser floor wasn’t getting the needs met, such as having human contact, relationships. 

Here is a good place to point out how important is to have that playing time as a Rebel, planning and thinking time as a Thinker, sharing your ideas and what you believe in as a Persister, taking action as a Promoter, or your reflecting time alone as an Imaginer. 

There’s more to it, but this is vital for you to know. 

Moreover it was a good move to resign from accounting and move into sales in a travel agency as I love, as a Harmoniser, helping people, being in contact with people.

It’s a win all around when the right people are in the right place. 

Can we change our BASE personality?

Can we change our BASE personality? This was a question I asked myself and you might as well. 

Practically we don’t change our base personality, we can add new perceptions on top of our BASE.
Changes can occur in our personality structure and in Process Communication Model terms, this is called ‘Phasing’. 

Let’s get deeper. 

Note! PCM is not a growth model so the goal itself is not Phasing. The goal is to understand yourself, understand others, and conduct effective communication.

But, what is Phasing?

As you know by now, we have 6 personalities within ourselves, and we look at these as a 6-floor building through which we travel whenever we need, from our BASE to the top.

In that way, the more we visit the upper floors the more we feel comfortable using that part of our personality.

Now, Phasing is like moving our nest. We take the best from our BASE (or the floor below) and we move to the next floor. And the next floor becomes our new nest, with the new needs, perception, and motivation. 

For example, if you phased from Thinker to Rebel, suddenly you no longer find in work your source of satisfaction, and you begin to prioritize doing things just for fun. Not attached to a plan or measurable goal, which for a Thinker is a priority. The same is truth and the other way around.

Read further as I share how my phasing experience happen. 

phasing from Harmoniser to Persister

This is a classic situation in which the affectionate, sensitive woman suddenly after getting married begins to have opinions. And more than that, to have opinions that she cares about and that she imposes them. 👀

What actually happened? After we married, I answered my existential question of the Harmoniser, “Am I loved?” and phased to my next personality floor of Persister.

It’s then that the partner may say, ”You are no longer the person I married.” And somehow that’s true… because you’ve phased!

As my husband and I got to know this better, we observed our phasing and it was a huge shift to understand what is happening and why. 

I was manifesting the characteristics and motivations of the new personality floor, in which I had phased.

Does something similar happen to you too? Or to someone you know?

That they changed in the way they behave. No longer doing or enjoying what they were always doing. 

What was pretty freaky is how I changed the way I was talking – like the words I was using.  My overall energy. From “as long you are happy” to being prepared to battle for my ideas. 🙂 

Now, of course, after I phased, I had no issues expressing my opinions, and they were coming thick and fast.

 

Are you going to lose your personality type?

Of course, the BASE will still remain your familiar and everything you manifest through the PHASE (the stage in which you phased) is filtered by the BASE. You changed your floor, but you take your luggage from the old floor with you.

You hear with the BASE and you act with the PHASE (the stage you are in). The BASE is like the place of childhood. It’s the place you know best. Phase is the new place you start exploring.

From the moment you phase, the elevator in your personality structure changes it’s position as well, moves to your current floor.

Persister manifested itself at its peak after I became a mother, as I was reading and forming my parenting opinions. I used to believe that everyone should have the same opinion as mine because mine were the right ones. I even changed the way I talked. I was suddenly using all day every day “I believe” or “from my point of view”. I upgraded to this new language that supported the expression of opinions.

At one point, I got into huge distress, holding internal conversations about what others said, and after an intense period I realized this was not healthy, nor helpful.

As I realized this, I started to actively practice that it’s okay for others to have different opinions, and my only goal should be to share my point of view and not fight other points of view. Logically, if people perceived that I was against them, they would be against me. And then nobody wins.

Phasing from Persister to Rebel

While I was in full mother mode for the two little kids, my relationship with my husband was falling apart. There’s a saying that after kids, there’s an explosion, and nothing is ever the same again. I was full-time with the kids and my husband was full-time in work, wanting his projects and business to succeed. When he was at home we were arguing because he wasn’t spending enough time with the family. Smart, I know?! 🙂

People get into distress when their psychological needs are not met and each personality type shows a specific distress sequence. We stop thinking clearly as we get more and more distressed.

Seriously. That’s how people forget or regret what they’ve said when in distress.

As my husband’s BASE personality type is Thinker, it was logical to fall into trying to show how much he loves us by working long hours, getting deeper into more and more work.

My Harmoniser needs for connection, belonging, harmonious relationship in the family, and my Persister opinions of what was right were falling apart.

So, I started to rebel against it all. I started asking questions such as: “What brings me joy? What is my life going to look like?” I shared more about this process here. 

In the middle of this turmoil, I phased into Rebel – 🙂 my next personality type floor. Also, my language changed into a lot of “I don’t want to… because I don’t like it”.

With the Rebel phase, I started a revolution of finding my authentic self. I reconnected with my personality characteristics and needs.

Finally, I found what kind of work I want to pursue next, which fits in perfectly with my personality structure’s characteristics – building harmonious relationships, living up to our best potential.

Phasing from Rebel to Thinker

As I have started my business and helped others pursue their calling, and get clarity on their growth, I phased in what I recognize as a Thinker.

As I experience the Thinker phase, I observe where my focus goes – my need to plan my days, set goals, a strong need to measure progress, the tension to get on time, hungry for knowledge and systems.

Most of all, I don’t want to waste time, meetings start with an end goal, set priorities.

Also, I catch myself in perfectionist mode, trying to do it all myself because I know better. Do you relate?
Observing and knowing my pitfalls and also how to step into my strengths I can orchestrate it all without letting confusion and overwhelm get me.

So this was me opening up all.

Let me know if you have any questions. If you have your own story. Feel free to reach out: connect@feliciaboka.com.

Conclusion

We are more than a fixed personality. We are more than our personality structure as we have the power to observe and understand.

As my mentor, John Parr said “With PCM, we understand ourselves a little bit better, and we become kinder to ourselves and once we understand our own processes we can then be more forgiving to ourselves and becomes easier to forgive other people for their shortcomings.” 

How do You Get Your Own Personality Structure Profile?

At this moment only a certified PCM trainer can provide you with one. 

So, logically after going through this transformation and seeing the results, the practicality, and the benefits of this model, in 2019 I certified as a Process Communication Model trainer.

That means that I can also help you get your own personality structure by completing a questionnaire that is called Personality Pattern Inventory.

After that, you get custom training to better understand and recognize your psychological needs, how to manage distress, how to motivate yourself, your preferred leadership style, and more. Also on how to communicate effectively, motivate specifically, lead powerfully.

I primarily work with entrepreneurs in mastering their leadership skills, leveling up their communication and impact. I also train teams to improve communication within the company, by creating an environment that helps people be productive and thrive.

Here’s my email address connect@feliciaboka.com . Would be happy to read your story, get your questions and keep the conversation amazing!